Out of Order

So, after 3 months of THINKING about it, I finally am starting my blog. I am going to keep it unedited for now, since I want the material to be whats on my mind.
Basically, since none of you know about me, I am a young guy from NY who is sick of living and decided I want a change. Thats kinda generic. Whats unique about me is that Im really smart - IQ 155, really creative, and have credentials to back it up. I went to Hunter College H.S., one of the best public HS in NYC. I went to Cornell University , Ivy league, and graduated at the top of my class (with Distinction), I went to Medical school after that. However, for the last 10 yrs , Ive just wasted my life. And, to make things worse I have all these mental disorders- Bipolar Type 2, OCD, and ADHD, that have been ruling/ruining my life.
Ive been depressed since 19 (now Im 35). I live in a "hoarders" home. I dont spend money. I dont pay bills. I dont cash my checks. I dont change my underwear. Get the idea?
What do I do? I should be a doctor right now.  I work as an Assistant Principal at a charter school. I run schools, and workshops. I get kids into Ivy league schools. I get them 5's on their APs. I get them near-perfect SAT scores. I charge up to $150/hr of my time (although thats a rarity- usually half of that, or much less). Yet for all of that, Im dysfunctional. I spend thousands of dollars on Medicaid doctors trying to solve my problems. I create numerous lawsuits, which I dont follow up with.
In short, my life is a HUGE MESS.

5 years ago, I compared my life to Enron. That was the GOOD days. Since then, its has taken a downward spiral at an ever increasing speed. Suicide seemed imminent - until I realized I couldnt kill myself, since that would mean missing a day of work. Sound confusing? You bet. Im almost addicted to my work, which I absolutely hate, but cant give up. Giving up a job means losing money, and losing money means getting taken advantage of - by someone. Even by my own failure to schedule things correctly due to ADHD. I go straight from trying to kill myself to putting on a smile and helping kids do their HW, and charging their parents money.

Nothing makes sense, and nobody can make sense of it. Ive been to countless doctors, and nothing has helped. My current doctor still doesnt know whats wrong with me, 8 months into therapy. Sometimes I get sick of complaining, and get into my work. But the truth is -my work sucks and I want out. I want an exit plan. But Im STUCK. Whenever people try to help me and give me advise, I come up with objections. Perhaps thats true, or perhaps they dont really grasp the problem, and the barriers or obstacles to getting out. As a counselor myself, among the many other jobs I have, I solve people's problems.
I figure out creative solutions that work, and that take into account the obstacles. I dont give up until there's a solution. I wish I could hire myself to work for me. I would solve my own problem. But me working for me doesnt seem to work. I try to tell people that, but they dont always get it. You cant always solve your own problems. Its hard to be impartial. Part of it is the anger and emotions you have that guide your personal judgments; part of it is that you can't really see the big picture, and misfocus your efforts on things you have some attachment to.

I think Ill still make it - Im not about to give in yet, but suicidal thinking did rule my life for a while - especially the last few months. Now I just want out. But how do you give up a thousand dollars a week for just a weekends work? But I absolutely go through anxiety attacks before every weekend. And I cant make decisions about whether things are worth it or not, when Im so addicted to money.

Yet ironically I dont have money, and cant spend money. Whatever I make is "blood" money- that is, the pain and anger from that money are so great, that I feel that its not worth spending or wasting on something, when I went through so mental pain to get it. Id love to be able to spend money again , but I dont know how. And that money seems off limits. I cant even pay to get to work. I have to beg on the trains, and pull schemes on the LIRR, just so I can avoid paying a fare. I dont feel good about it "beating the system"- I just am terrified of spending money.

I could rant more than Charlie Sheen on a bad day. Maybe thats what Im doing now. Id love to hear some feedback. Ill get into more specifics later on - right now I just wanted to put this out there and see what some people's reactions are.