Another Day Ruined

I didnt want to get out of bed today. I had a doctor's appointment at 11, and skipped it, called him the night before to say I wasnt coming, and ended up waking up at 1. Then I woke up, got anxious, and went back to bed until 4. What a day. I was shaking in the bed, almost like having sex but with noone around. I couldnt stop moving because I couldnt stand to face nothing-ness.  At about 4 I woke up, cried, put on some clothes, and rushed to my tutoring appointment.  To make a long story short, he never showed up. I went to his house, luckily he lives near me, and noone there. This is what I was dreading the whole day - but it never happened with him - its just a constant fear of this business, that it will happen at the worst time when you least expect it. Then theres always the huge anxiety for me of whether to ask for payment for the missed session. I have no problem asking for it - the anxiety is that theyll just get fed up with me and stop the tutoring because I put my foot down.

Anyway, on the way to his house I met this girl who was sitting outside, since I needed to ask her for a pen. She seemed a little old to me, but I found out she was only 22. I guess I have terrible judgment when it comes to ages. Anyway, I got her email... based on my life, nothing works out, but who knows?

Then I had more tutoring problems today (some girl wants me to do something for her, after costing me hundreds of dollars in lost wages the other day because she didnt come to her lesson as scheduled), and then I just got really scared again. I just pace back and forth really agitated. Im really confused, anxious, and angry all at once. And my Dad asked me to open some envelopes sitting on the floor.. like a drop in the bucket of our "hoarders" home, but it took me 1/2 hr to open 4. Because I keep checking and rechecking whether I missed anything inside them. Stupid OCD.

I alternate between just wanting out (suicide) and thinking that I can fix my problems.. (doubtful). It would be nice to have some guidance. I dont talk to anyone anymore.

Im sure there are a lot of people like me, but nobody knows. They hide away in their lives or their homes, and nobody knows theyre suicidal. Until they kill themselves. The news said that 22% of Hispanic teens in NYC tried to kill themselves. Maybe I should be an honorary Hispanic teen. They could call me Juan Carlos Miguel de Manuel Pacquito Ramon de Ricardo Shermano Diaz Rodriguez Aurelio Sanchez Martinez Arturo Benito Conchito Dominguez Eduardo Francisco Garcia Hernandez Inez Jakarta ...... de Puerto Rico.  (Thats my Spanish name,... and yes, I can say it FAST).

By the way, Ill be a comic in my next life..which would be when I get out of this miserable one.
I saw a guy from Medical school studying in the library for his Step 2 test. I was like, oh I got up to that point, and took a break  -  (I didnt say it was a 10 yr break.)

 My life is just fear till the weekends, and then hatred during the weekends. What a life.