I didnt want to get out of bed today. I had a doctor's appointment at 11, and skipped it, called him the night before to say I wasnt coming, and ended up waking up at 1. Then I woke up, got anxious, and went back to bed until 4. What a day. I was shaking in the bed, almost like having sex but with noone around. I couldnt stop moving because I couldnt stand to face nothing-ness. At about 4 I woke up, cried, put on some clothes, and rushed to my tutoring appointment. To make a long story short, he never showed up. I went to his house, luckily he lives near me, and noone there. This is what I was dreading the whole day - but it never happened with him - its just a constant fear of this business, that it will happen at the worst time when you least expect it. Then theres always the huge anxiety for me of whether to ask for payment for the missed session. I have no problem asking for it - the anxiety is that theyll just get fed up with me and stop the tutoring because I put my foot down.
Anyway, on the way to his house I met this girl who was sitting outside, since I needed to ask her for a pen. She seemed a little old to me, but I found out she was only 22. I guess I have terrible judgment when it comes to ages. Anyway, I got her email... based on my life, nothing works out, but who knows?
Then I had more tutoring problems today (some girl wants me to do something for her, after costing me hundreds of dollars in lost wages the other day because she didnt come to her lesson as scheduled), and then I just got really scared again. I just pace back and forth really agitated. Im really confused, anxious, and angry all at once. And my Dad asked me to open some envelopes sitting on the floor.. like a drop in the bucket of our "hoarders" home, but it took me 1/2 hr to open 4. Because I keep checking and rechecking whether I missed anything inside them. Stupid OCD.
I alternate between just wanting out (suicide) and thinking that I can fix my problems.. (doubtful). It would be nice to have some guidance. I dont talk to anyone anymore.
Im sure there are a lot of people like me, but nobody knows. They hide away in their lives or their homes, and nobody knows theyre suicidal. Until they kill themselves. The news said that 22% of Hispanic teens in NYC tried to kill themselves. Maybe I should be an honorary Hispanic teen. They could call me Juan Carlos Miguel de Manuel Pacquito Ramon de Ricardo Shermano Diaz Rodriguez Aurelio Sanchez Martinez Arturo Benito Conchito Dominguez Eduardo Francisco Garcia Hernandez Inez Jakarta ...... de Puerto Rico. (Thats my Spanish name,... and yes, I can say it FAST).
By the way, Ill be a comic in my next life..which would be when I get out of this miserable one.
I saw a guy from Medical school studying in the library for his Step 2 test. I was like, oh I got up to that point, and took a break - (I didnt say it was a 10 yr break.)
My life is just fear till the weekends, and then hatred during the weekends. What a life.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Out of Order
So, after 3 months of THINKING about it, I finally am starting my blog. I am going to keep it unedited for now, since I want the material to be whats on my mind.
Basically, since none of you know about me, I am a young guy from NY who is sick of living and decided I want a change. Thats kinda generic. Whats unique about me is that Im really smart - IQ 155, really creative, and have credentials to back it up. I went to Hunter College H.S., one of the best public HS in NYC. I went to Cornell University , Ivy league, and graduated at the top of my class (with Distinction), I went to Medical school after that. However, for the last 10 yrs , Ive just wasted my life. And, to make things worse I have all these mental disorders- Bipolar Type 2, OCD, and ADHD, that have been ruling/ruining my life.
Ive been depressed since 19 (now Im 35). I live in a "hoarders" home. I dont spend money. I dont pay bills. I dont cash my checks. I dont change my underwear. Get the idea?
What do I do? I should be a doctor right now. I work as an Assistant Principal at a charter school. I run schools, and workshops. I get kids into Ivy league schools. I get them 5's on their APs. I get them near-perfect SAT scores. I charge up to $150/hr of my time (although thats a rarity- usually half of that, or much less). Yet for all of that, Im dysfunctional. I spend thousands of dollars on Medicaid doctors trying to solve my problems. I create numerous lawsuits, which I dont follow up with.
In short, my life is a HUGE MESS.
5 years ago, I compared my life to Enron. That was the GOOD days. Since then, its has taken a downward spiral at an ever increasing speed. Suicide seemed imminent - until I realized I couldnt kill myself, since that would mean missing a day of work. Sound confusing? You bet. Im almost addicted to my work, which I absolutely hate, but cant give up. Giving up a job means losing money, and losing money means getting taken advantage of - by someone. Even by my own failure to schedule things correctly due to ADHD. I go straight from trying to kill myself to putting on a smile and helping kids do their HW, and charging their parents money.
Nothing makes sense, and nobody can make sense of it. Ive been to countless doctors, and nothing has helped. My current doctor still doesnt know whats wrong with me, 8 months into therapy. Sometimes I get sick of complaining, and get into my work. But the truth is -my work sucks and I want out. I want an exit plan. But Im STUCK. Whenever people try to help me and give me advise, I come up with objections. Perhaps thats true, or perhaps they dont really grasp the problem, and the barriers or obstacles to getting out. As a counselor myself, among the many other jobs I have, I solve people's problems.
I figure out creative solutions that work, and that take into account the obstacles. I dont give up until there's a solution. I wish I could hire myself to work for me. I would solve my own problem. But me working for me doesnt seem to work. I try to tell people that, but they dont always get it. You cant always solve your own problems. Its hard to be impartial. Part of it is the anger and emotions you have that guide your personal judgments; part of it is that you can't really see the big picture, and misfocus your efforts on things you have some attachment to.
I think Ill still make it - Im not about to give in yet, but suicidal thinking did rule my life for a while - especially the last few months. Now I just want out. But how do you give up a thousand dollars a week for just a weekends work? But I absolutely go through anxiety attacks before every weekend. And I cant make decisions about whether things are worth it or not, when Im so addicted to money.
Yet ironically I dont have money, and cant spend money. Whatever I make is "blood" money- that is, the pain and anger from that money are so great, that I feel that its not worth spending or wasting on something, when I went through so mental pain to get it. Id love to be able to spend money again , but I dont know how. And that money seems off limits. I cant even pay to get to work. I have to beg on the trains, and pull schemes on the LIRR, just so I can avoid paying a fare. I dont feel good about it "beating the system"- I just am terrified of spending money.
I could rant more than Charlie Sheen on a bad day. Maybe thats what Im doing now. Id love to hear some feedback. Ill get into more specifics later on - right now I just wanted to put this out there and see what some people's reactions are.
Basically, since none of you know about me, I am a young guy from NY who is sick of living and decided I want a change. Thats kinda generic. Whats unique about me is that Im really smart - IQ 155, really creative, and have credentials to back it up. I went to Hunter College H.S., one of the best public HS in NYC. I went to Cornell University , Ivy league, and graduated at the top of my class (with Distinction), I went to Medical school after that. However, for the last 10 yrs , Ive just wasted my life. And, to make things worse I have all these mental disorders- Bipolar Type 2, OCD, and ADHD, that have been ruling/ruining my life.
Ive been depressed since 19 (now Im 35). I live in a "hoarders" home. I dont spend money. I dont pay bills. I dont cash my checks. I dont change my underwear. Get the idea?
What do I do? I should be a doctor right now. I work as an Assistant Principal at a charter school. I run schools, and workshops. I get kids into Ivy league schools. I get them 5's on their APs. I get them near-perfect SAT scores. I charge up to $150/hr of my time (although thats a rarity- usually half of that, or much less). Yet for all of that, Im dysfunctional. I spend thousands of dollars on Medicaid doctors trying to solve my problems. I create numerous lawsuits, which I dont follow up with.
In short, my life is a HUGE MESS.
5 years ago, I compared my life to Enron. That was the GOOD days. Since then, its has taken a downward spiral at an ever increasing speed. Suicide seemed imminent - until I realized I couldnt kill myself, since that would mean missing a day of work. Sound confusing? You bet. Im almost addicted to my work, which I absolutely hate, but cant give up. Giving up a job means losing money, and losing money means getting taken advantage of - by someone. Even by my own failure to schedule things correctly due to ADHD. I go straight from trying to kill myself to putting on a smile and helping kids do their HW, and charging their parents money.
Nothing makes sense, and nobody can make sense of it. Ive been to countless doctors, and nothing has helped. My current doctor still doesnt know whats wrong with me, 8 months into therapy. Sometimes I get sick of complaining, and get into my work. But the truth is -my work sucks and I want out. I want an exit plan. But Im STUCK. Whenever people try to help me and give me advise, I come up with objections. Perhaps thats true, or perhaps they dont really grasp the problem, and the barriers or obstacles to getting out. As a counselor myself, among the many other jobs I have, I solve people's problems.
I figure out creative solutions that work, and that take into account the obstacles. I dont give up until there's a solution. I wish I could hire myself to work for me. I would solve my own problem. But me working for me doesnt seem to work. I try to tell people that, but they dont always get it. You cant always solve your own problems. Its hard to be impartial. Part of it is the anger and emotions you have that guide your personal judgments; part of it is that you can't really see the big picture, and misfocus your efforts on things you have some attachment to.
I think Ill still make it - Im not about to give in yet, but suicidal thinking did rule my life for a while - especially the last few months. Now I just want out. But how do you give up a thousand dollars a week for just a weekends work? But I absolutely go through anxiety attacks before every weekend. And I cant make decisions about whether things are worth it or not, when Im so addicted to money.
Yet ironically I dont have money, and cant spend money. Whatever I make is "blood" money- that is, the pain and anger from that money are so great, that I feel that its not worth spending or wasting on something, when I went through so mental pain to get it. Id love to be able to spend money again , but I dont know how. And that money seems off limits. I cant even pay to get to work. I have to beg on the trains, and pull schemes on the LIRR, just so I can avoid paying a fare. I dont feel good about it "beating the system"- I just am terrified of spending money.
I could rant more than Charlie Sheen on a bad day. Maybe thats what Im doing now. Id love to hear some feedback. Ill get into more specifics later on - right now I just wanted to put this out there and see what some people's reactions are.
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