Im so freaking anxious today. I cant stand it, Im choking. The whole fucking day Im on edge. I wish I was dead for like 2 months so I didnt have to go through this. I could just hibernate, and all the bad stuff would happen, and Id wake up, and be like - damn those were 2 bad months! But I go through this crap every day.
Whats the problem? My business.... tutoring kids, scheduling stuff, arranging things, its always a problem. People cant just say I want you at this time, and then keep it - it always has to change. And since I take everything so personally, I can sit by the phone for hours and keep wondering whats happening, and what to say to people, etc. So doing nothing all day is actually a full day of work.
Besides for that, my days pretty much suck. I skipped 10 days of blogging because I cant stay on schedule. Im depressed, anxious, lonely, and pretty much either sad, angry, or confused most of the time. When I work, Im fine. But before and after work sucks. I would blog about all the stuff that happens, but right now the only thing on my mind is that I brought over this whole Mothers Day present for a friend to give to her mom, and her mom found it in her closet before mothers day, and then called me to ask if I left anything. That was kinda awkward.
I need an escape plan out of this situation. Nothing coming. Maybe then Id blog about funny stuff instead of all of my problems. Or talk about how I ride the LIRR for free. I keep reusing tickets. If they punch the ticket, I find the punched part and put it back in. I have a thousand excuses for all occasions. Occasionally, I get caught. And I even have excuses for that. Although sometimes I dont.
I met a guy the other day who was just out of jail - Rikers Island, 6 months for stealing underwear from Macy's. He said he used to take $200 a week of clothing and resell it, but one time he got caught and they made him sign a paper saying he'll never do it again. So, he did it again and then went to jail. For underwear? Doubt he'll need that there - unless its extra "behind" protection.
I met with my case worker today- what a waste of time. No health insurance, so I cant see any doctors anyway. Medicaid is taking so slow to get.
Facebook depresses me. Everybody has a life and I dont. It makes me feel really lonely. Then I comment on peoples' pictures and I seem creepy, since I dont really know them anyway. Its like one big party, and Im not really invited. People arent really as happy as they seem on Facebook, but nobody wants to say it. I would say it, but if I said how I really feel on FB, then people would think Im a freak again. Nobody likes freaks. Or creeps. Or weirdos.
So far I have 3 people read this. But I think that's just me logging in 3 times to write 3 posts.
My brother called today and said he needed his expired passport. I said" but you dont need to show that at the airport", as if I thought he was leaving tomorrow for good, and I didnt know better. He said " No Im not leaving tomorrow". He didnt even get the dark side of humor that is. You probably dont either.
This girl called me up and said "Come over, nobody's home!".
I went over, noone was home. :(
